Despite Metro’s official “no eating” policy, sneaking a couple of bites of something on the bus is fairly common, and, as far as I’m concerned, fairly innocuous. I figure, as long as folks aren’t leaving trash or crumbs, there’s not much harm in a bit of nibbling (on a Black Russian from Three Girls Bakery, for example) en route.

But what’s with the trend of sitting down in the front and devouring a Styrofoam container of teriyaki like you’re at the table? I, for one, am not a fan of listening to strangers slurp down their dinners while I travel. And don’t even get me started on the smell. Which is why I was particularly appalled when…

On a recent 27 ride, Bus Nerd and I had the privilege of witnessing a senior gentleman attacking a bag of grocery-store fried chicken, Bus-Chick-meets-chocolate-ice-cream-style. (We were facing forward, and he was directly in front of us facing sideways, so we had no choice but to watch.) I found the sound (smacking after every bite?) and smell annoying, but, hey–I’m a “live and let live” kind of bus chick. The man wasn’t (exactly) hurting anyone, so I gave him a pass. Maybe he was really hungry.

But when he started licking his fingers–[insert KFC joke here]–one at a time, and with relish, his behavior moved from mildly annoying to downright unacceptable. I turned to Bus Nerd.

“If he touches the pole, I’m going to kill myself.”

Folks, I should be writing this post from the heavens. The man did, indeed, touch the pole, and many other parts of the bus, including the cord and the fare box. (How often do you think those things get cleaned?). He even left a lovely grease (or was it saliva?) hand print behind as a parting gift.

There is no basketball metaphor that covers a bus foul of this magnitude. Flagrant? Nope. Technical? Uh-uh. We’re not even in game-ejection territory. We’re talking league suspension, people, Ron Artest-style.

Just, no.